Well....had my first little "tiff" with the neigbors over the weekend. It was only a matter of time as the inexpensive large houses in my area seemed to lure the poor white trash from neighboring cities into my neighborhood. Lucky me... I have at least two situations like this on my hands. The first set live direclty next door to me. It is a 1200 square foot house with 4 dogs and two ladies. Let me just say they "play for the other team".
Let me state for the record, I have no problem with that. I have family members who are gay and I love them very much. If that's your lifestyle, and you are happy...more power to you. I'm not an uptight conservative that will get bent out of shape if you say you want to be married. Bottom line, if you're happy, I'm happy and I respect your decisions.
Anyhow...
Ok..notice I said they have 4 dogs. These dogs bark ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! Morning, noon or night...it doesn't matter. To make it worse, they have a doggie door installed on their back patio, so every time I go onto our patio in the back yard, their dogs are free to run out and go bonkers. A few days ago, the weather turned nice and they left their windows in the house open. They also left for the evening. This means the dogs got to bark out of whatever window they wanted as loud as they wanted. My wife is home on bed rest due to her pregnancy. She couldn't get any rest. These dogs literally barked from 1PM until 11PM that day. I got fed up with it around 8:00 PM and called the Sherriff. The Sherriff pulled up, the dogs barked at him too, and he left a nasty gram on their door stating that their dogs are a public nuisance and that neighbors could file a civil suit for disturbing the peace. SWEET!
That's just one time we had to call the cops. Here's the back story on the dildo across the street.
This guy lives directly across the street from me. He's unemployed, apparenlty worships the Green Bay Packers, and our nosy neighbor down the way claims this guy beats his wife. He also has the biggest Green Bay Packer flag flying from the higest point of his house. Good times! Anyhow...this dill-hole thinks it's OK to light fireworks (big ones that explode 50 feet in the air), Roman Candles, etc... in the middle of the street in a suburban neighborhood. NOW...If we lived in a wet climate and our houses were a mile away from each other, go to town. Light fireworks to your heart's content. Blow your freakin' fingers off...I don't care.
HOWEVER...this is not the case. We live in the
DESERT where it is very
DRY where things are
FLAMMABLE because they are
DRY. This means you can burn my house down if you and your dumb ass light fireworks in front of my house and it happens to land on my roof. I called the Sherriff on him too (I wasn't the only one either...Sherriff Dept. said they had 10 calls before mine)...which was hilarious... Rather than pulling right up to the house in his car to bust them, he parked around the corner and walked up on them while they were lighting them. BUSTED!!! He came at the right time too becuase Mr. Brilliant had a wad of fireworks in an empty paint can that he was about to light off all at once. This could have blown a hole in the side of the can and sent shrapnal flying. Could have killed him. Sadly, the Sherriff stopped a
Darwin Award from occuring.
Ok...All of that to tell you what happened over the weekend.
The power went out on Sunday. Since it was nice outside, I opened the windows in the house. Shortly after that, I heard the butch lady come out her front door and yell "Stop that dog from barking or I'm calling the f***ing cops"! Ashley and I looked at each other...giggled...and then I went out front to see what was going on. She was standing on her porch all red faced screaming about how the neighbors dog needs to shut up and that she will take everyone to court around here that has a dog because she got the cops called on her. She was either drunk, or high, or both. She also happens to be a Packer fan so she stumbled across the street to commiserate with the wife beater across the street about how the cops were called on her. He was outside bitching about the power being out because he couldn't watch the Packers lose. I blew them both off and went back in my house. Then I heard butchie yelling again about calling the cops and now she was blowing an airhorn when anyone’s dog barked. I was livid at this point. About that time, the power came back on and I went outside out of courtesy and let the two assclown neighbors of mine that the power was back on. I did this mainly so she would
STFU. As I turned around to go back in the house, Butchie yelled "make sure you call the cops when you go back in!". I turned right around and walked over to her and asked her what she was talking about. She figured that nobody besides me and the other guy next door to her could call the cops about her dogs barking. I then lied through my teeth and said "I think I know you well enough that if your dogs were barking, I would personally come over and tell you". (hehehehe....) She then rambled on about how she got a note left on her door by the Sheriff about her barking dogs, then blamed me for doing it again, and then she dropped the bomb on me.
She said "I know you don't like Gay people....that's why you called the cops".
Umm.....
WTF???
I stopped her right there and said that she went too far. I asked her why the hell she thinks I hate gay people... Her response was a drunken "I just know...people like you do".
I let her know that she doesn’t know me or my beliefs and my gay sister-in-law and her wife would absolutely disagree with her. I also threw in a "Oh...just because I'm from Texas you automatically assume that I hate gay people?"
The look on her face was priceless.
I mean...I got put in a rough spot. That's like someone coming up to you out of the blue and saying "YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE". How do you respond to that? Especially if they have no idea who you are or what you stand for!?
What I really wanted to say was "Look, dumbass...You're lucky I don't call the cops AGAIN to get your drunken, bad mullet havin', air horn blowing, profanity yellin' PUBLIC INTOXICATED FAT ASS OFF MY STREET".
About that time, wife beater chimed in and said "Yeah...someone called the cops on me too on the 4th of July. Someone around here doesn't like the neighbors".
I wanted to say "No, jackass...it's not that I dont like you...I don't like the fact that you think it was OK to shoot flames into the sky that could possibly burn everything I have to the ground. Why don't you take your head out of your ass and realize that other people BESIDES YOU live here. And take down that retarded-ass Packer flag you have flying on the highest point of your house. You are the reason people like me have to pay HOA dues. Now go back inside, beat your wife, watch you packers lose and keep your retarded antics to yourself from here on out".
Neighbors. Gotta love 'em....and then call the cops on 'em. :-)
